mind over matter; it sounds easy and is nothing but.
throughout the past 1.5 years I've grown to dread the question 'how are you?'.
I'm bad at lying and telling the truth made me feel like a failure, so I mostly opted for 'I'm okay, I'm solala'.
I thought I needed to protect myself from judgement, even though my rational self knows there is no way around it, especially on social media.
still, I started writing about my journey, because it has a healing effect.
putting it out there, facing my shame. proving to myself that I'm more than my vertigo, my pain.
it was, it still is, worth it.
instagram has been more than selfies.
it has connected me with people, who have become friends, close friends.
my struggle is real, but so is my circle, my support system.
they see through my wall.
there is no need in keeping it up.
they know how much strength it takes.
they let me talk about my deepest, darkest fears and sit with me. and my pain.
I'm completely vulnerable with them and somehow they manage to make me feel like the strongest person ever.
knowing I'm loved, appreciated, needed and accepted for who I am right now is the greatest gift.
I use it wisely.
if flows through my body when it hurts, strokes me during sleepless nights and nurtures my self love.
it creates hope and hope is what I need.
I've become hesitant to hope.
fear of disappointment, big time.
to be honest, this is my biggest challenge.
after many setbacks I've become fearful around goals, dreams.
my head knows how important it is to believe in the law of attraction, but my heart is still catching up.
my treatment team told me 'stef, you need to trust your body, in it's ability to heal itself. this is just as important as the treatment itself.'
they sound like my friends :) what a blessing to have people, who are as soft as they are hard.
who are brutally honest, yet always fair.
who are so very patient and kind.
I love you and how you love me, believe in me and fight with me.
thank you for being a safe place in a scary world. .
#warrior #spoonie #believeinyourself #trust #chronicpain #survivor #grateful #noshame #friendship #thank